That guy.

Last night I walked by a valet stand and there was a radio broadcasting a soccer game in Spanish.  As I walked up, that guy who goes, "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!" had just started yelling, "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!" you know, like he does, and all the valets started hustling over to the radio to listen better.  Here was their conversation while that one guy went, "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL":

"Guatemala?"

"Guatemala?"

"Guatemala o Nicaragua?"

"Nicaragua."

"Nicaragua? No, Guatemala."

"Guatemala?"

"...o Nicaragua..."

And it dawned on me for the first time that that guy doesn't possess a singularly endearing exuberance for the game, he's a real pain in the ass when you need to know if your team just scored a goddam goal.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

My Inexplicably Incredible Memory

I have an impeccable knack for remembering things and the associations that go along with them.

Whenever someone mentions MAD magazine, I can't help but see the art room at Marshall Middle School in this distinctive late-summer, late-afternoon light. Our art teacher - either a stout woman named Mrs. Schmartclass or a pony-tailed guy named Gary - was either a big fan of MAD or took mine away from me. Also, there was a kiln there that we were not allowed to touch, and I think some paints that we were.

When I was a very young boy, my parents took me to have my fortune told. I remember everything about that night, especially the way in which my fortune was revealed to me: baked inside a cookie after a meal of exotic food! That was the night I also received several lucky numbers, one of which either had a 4 in it or was divisible by 4.

Speaking of numbers, check this out: 5, 3, 8, 8. Those are just some of the numbers I've had to keep in my head at various times, for various reasons.

I remember there being a whole, whole lot of blood. That might not sound like a great memory, but you should see how clearly I can see the blood in my head. (I'm actually kind of worried about why I don't have any more details on this particular memory. I remember it being hog slaughtering time at my uncle's farm, which reassures me... but then I also wonder if that wasn't the year I wasn't able to make it to the hog slaughter because God told me I had to watch the whores.)

Oh, I forgot to write what my fortune was!

My Opinions They Are Not Popular

I hold really horrible opinions that I really don't agree with. I mean I honestly believe in them, but if you do, too, that's a pretty enormous strike against you in my book. Here are some of them:

The odds against sentient life are so great that I believe the universe must have some propensity to create it i.e., there must be some intelligent design that trumps science.

That song "Get Ready For This" that they play at sporting events is a fucking awesome song.

When I hear a motorcycle loudly tear past me and down the street, a small part of me is secretly and gleefully hoping to hear a fatal crash.

What's Going On

Today I dined in a restaurant for luncheon.

This girl behind me was telling a story to her friend, and three times, she said, "...and it was all fwoom, like that?"

To clarify: she was not repeating one part of her story. There were three instances of something going "fwoom," like that, in one 90-second span of her story.

I need to tell better stories.

Later, I relaxed in a park.

This guy came up to me and was all, "Hello," so I was all, "How are you?" And then he was all... pause... "Thank you! I'm good!"

You know that pause they give you to let you know they are really thanking you for really caring about how they are? That one.

So then you know what he did next? He invited me to a bible study. And you know how I should have known all along he was going to do that, even before his pause of sincerity? Because he was all Orel Hershiser-looking! What is it with super-Christians and their big, plain faces? Tell them to quit it.

Welcome to 2009, Year of the…

Man, in “Proclaiming this the year of…” news, 2009 is shaping up to be a loser!

Depending on whom you ask, 2009 might be the year of Astronomy, the ox, Natural Fibers, the gorilla (which would be exciting if it were about gorillas running civilization or at least showing up in nightclubs) or Katie Couric.

This begs the question: Will 2009 be the dullest “Year of” on record? A quick peek at the archives shows which past years are the dull years to beat.

5: Year of Recovering from Last Year’s “Year of Leap.”
54: Year We Choose Name for Multitude of Pebbles.*
94: Year of Pouring.
101: Year of I Guess The World Didn’t End Last Year After All.
412: Year of Real Straight Things.
667: Year of Huh, World Didn’t End Last Year Either.
918: Year of Spearmint.
1001: Year of OK, We Really, Really Thought Last Year Was Going To Be The End.
1340: International Year of the 135th Anniversary of the Magna Carta.
1387: Year of Sitting Real Still in Hopes the Plague Will Not Kill Us.
1873: Year of Grain and Grain Harvesting Merchandise


*Winner: “Gravel”

Welcome to Goldmedal Staffing!

Hi! I’m Brian Goldmedal, of Goldmedal Staffing, and I'm here to thank/ask you for/to reach(ing) for the stars!

Before we begin, please take a moment to complete this questionniére so that we may better match you with your potential employer!

I. In this section, please rank the statements, with 1 being “Strongly Disagree,” 5 being “Strongly Agree,” and numbers 2 through 4 falling equidistant on the journey across this emotional range!

1. It sure is a stupid lie to say that not everyone steals.
2. White Russians don’t count as drinking, since they are practically candy.
3. The term “whistleblower” is just about the worst thing a person can be called.
4. Cutting and bulimia are also part of this crazy thing called evolution (the sexy part).
5. I know there are a lot of things that are worse than dying. That’s why I like to keep my mouth shut about things that aren’t my business.

II. In this section, please place a check mark next to any item you personally own:

____ Tuxedo
____ Wrecking Ball
____ Waffle Maker
____ Harness Straps for Spinal Tap Machine
____ Beeper
____ Waffles

III. Multiple choice

1. Your lady boss presents you with an ultimatum: either you have sex with her or she tells everyone you tried to rape her. Which rhyming couplet below best describes why you decide to have sex with her?
A. Crazy in the head/Crazy in the bed
B. Pussy/‘s pussy
C. For fourteen dollars an hour / I better at least get my dong wet

2. Ladies, same question.

3. You’ve never killed a guy, right? Of course not! But under what circumstances did you later think, “I wonder if that guy died?”
A. Car-jacking
B. Ambien-fueled sleep-wrestling
C. Dealing with your insurance company, am I right?
D. All of the above

4. OK, back to the sexy lady boss from questions #1 and 2: imagine the same ultimatum, except this time, she then rips open her jeans to show you the goodies, right? Except when she does? Get this - A spider jumps out! What’s your excuse for sleeping with her now, freak?

5. I am interested in:
A. Admin/Clerical
B. Computer/Technical
C. Sales
D. Car-jacking

Memes and Trends for 2009!

Here are some things to look out for this year!

Trends!

Hot Shape: Chef's hat

Must-Have Over-The-Counter Cold Medicine Applicator: Infusion Gel-Helmet

Hot New Shade of White Wall Paint: Dust-on-Egg (Matte)

Still Unpopular Shade of White Wall Paint: Semen-on-Concrete (Semi-gloss)

Hot New Alternative Pet: Ferret riding wolf.

New Extreme Flavor: Habañalligator firelemon.

Sexy Plural Form Among Knee Specialists: "Patellae."

Ironic New Strain of Genital Warts: Genital-shaped genital warts.

Best Adult Education Class to Pick Up Women: "History of Soft Porn"

Worst Adult Education Class to Pick Up Women: "Dealing With Habañalligator Fireherpes"

Memes!

Watermills vs. Windmills. "Is my workforce a watermill, which only starts to work after a lot of sloshing and splashing?, or is it more of a windmill, best left alone to smoothly go with the flow?" This is the question managers will be asking themselves in 2009. Workforces, meanwhile will still be asking themselves, "Is my boss more of a douchebag or an A-hole?"

We all have accents to foreign people. Contemplating this will lead you to reflect on the many ways you're not racist. Later, you'll realize there are only two other ways you're not racist: you no longer wince when the "filipino-or-whatever" guard greets you at work, and you get the same skin-creepy felling when you see a white poor person as when you see a "regular" poor person.

A water droplet inside a wave does not, ultimately, move. This idea will hold immense appeal to dudes in bars who like to pause and look at you like they just blew your mind. Later, these dudes will go home alone and curse their genital-shaped genital warts.