Hi! I’m Brian Goldmedal, of Goldmedal Staffing, and I'm here to thank/ask you for/to reach(ing) for the stars!
Before we begin, please take a moment to complete this questionniére so that we may better match you with your potential employer!
I. In this section, please rank the statements, with 1 being “Strongly Disagree,” 5 being “Strongly Agree,” and numbers 2 through 4 falling equidistant on the journey across this emotional range!
1. It sure is a stupid lie to say that not everyone steals.
2. White Russians don’t count as drinking, since they are practically candy.
3. The term “whistleblower” is just about the worst thing a person can be called.
4. Cutting and bulimia are also part of this crazy thing called evolution (the sexy part).
5. I know there are a lot of things that are worse than dying. That’s why I like to keep my mouth shut about things that aren’t my business.
II. In this section, please place a check mark next to any item you personally own:
____ Tuxedo
____ Wrecking Ball
____ Waffle Maker
____ Harness Straps for Spinal Tap Machine
____ Beeper
____ Waffles
III. Multiple choice
1. Your lady boss presents you with an ultimatum: either you have sex with her or she tells everyone you tried to rape her. Which rhyming couplet below best describes why you decide to have sex with her?
A. Crazy in the head/Crazy in the bed
B. Pussy/‘s pussy
C. For fourteen dollars an hour / I better at least get my dong wet
2. Ladies, same question.
3. You’ve never killed a guy, right? Of course not! But under what circumstances did you later think, “I wonder if that guy died?”
A. Car-jacking
B. Ambien-fueled sleep-wrestling
C. Dealing with your insurance company, am I right?
D. All of the above
4. OK, back to the sexy lady boss from questions #1 and 2: imagine the same ultimatum, except this time, she then rips open her jeans to show you the goodies, right? Except when she does? Get this - A spider jumps out! What’s your excuse for sleeping with her now, freak?
5. I am interested in:
A. Admin/Clerical
B. Computer/Technical
C. Sales
D. Car-jacking
