What is it that happens to me when I do New Years resolutions? Is it like an out-of-body experience? Possession? Do I have a bizarre Multiple Personality Disorder that only shows up when I sit down to draft my resolutions?
I really do try, every year, to think of ways to make myself even a little bit better during the coming year. But every year, I look at the list the next day and am completely baffled by the white trash aspirations I find I've written.
Here is this year’s list, as written, along with the comments I have now that I have emerged from my yearly "Resolutions spell":
1. Find any snack I like half as good as CornNuts. (I can’t even remember the last time I had CornNuts. In fact, the only thing I know about CornNuts is that they hurt to eat.)
2. Finalize Bow & Pool Cue. Get real good at Bow & Pool Cue. (Apparently, when I write my resolutions I dream of creating a new lawn sport. My idea is to use a standard bow-and-arrow type bow to shoot a half-size pool cue at oversized billiard balls in your yard. Also apparently, I also imagine that the way to make money off this is not by trademarking the rules and equipment, but by becoming the champion at it.)
3. Alphatize recipes. (It's true that this is an incredibly stupid way to organize your recipes, but what gets me is the spelling. At least one resolution on every year’s list contains a misspelling which amplifies the white trashedness of it. In 2003, I wrote, “Get yard cat. Don't get her spaded.”)
4. Meat. Smell bad/gone bad? (Is this even a resolution? I think the idea was that there was like a day’s difference between when meat smells bad and when you actually shouldn’t eat it. This resolution (I think) is to figure out which comes first.)
5. Finally buy a brush to help clean up things. (Again, is this even a resolution? Shouldn’t this be on a “To Do When You Have Three Dollars” list? The only clue that this belongs on this list is that I felt the need to start the sentence with the word ‘finally.’)
6. Nail it down. (Exactly once a year, I believe I have a firm policy regarding tattoos, which is that a tattoo must be funny when you flex. This is me resolving to finally decide what funny flex tattoo I will get. 364 days a year, I don't care about tattoos in the slightest. One day a year, I'm so certain of my passion about them that I figure "Nail it down" is all I need to write.)
7. Create world peace. (Clearly, I only included this so I’d look “classy” to anyone who came across my list. I obviously do not have the means (nor, to be honest, the inclination) to create world peace. This fools no one, and yet I try to get away with some variation of it every year. One year, I wrote “Attain the heighth of elegance.”)
8. Never don't buy a car under $300. Canvass enough cars to build "Super Muscle Car." (I swear this is the only day of the year you will find back-to-back sentences by me that include the phrase "Never don't" and the word "canvass" when I (probably) meant "amass.")
These are my resolutions this year. Please don't wish me luck in achieving them.
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